Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
