You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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