I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
