Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
