Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
