Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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