I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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