I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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