I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
