I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
