he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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