i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Randomize
