He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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