i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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