i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
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