I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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