dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
