we have pet lesbian snakes
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
