I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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