Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Randomize
