Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
