Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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