You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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