The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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