i don't like sucking hair
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
