So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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