Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
