my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Randomize
