I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
We left the knife in your bed.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
