I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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