My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Fuck appropriateness.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
