your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
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I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
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