I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I think I sprained my soul last night
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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