1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
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