Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Randomize
