If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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