My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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