the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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