I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
