I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
