we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
