just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I just made out with a guy for $7.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
