also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
