Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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