I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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