You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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