if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
