I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
