I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
