I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
