By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
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i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
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I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I can't trust your balls anymore.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
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