Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
