Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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