It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I had to cum in my sink.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
