My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
