My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
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Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
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Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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