I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
