yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Randomize
