every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
