the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
