barbara walters just said penis...
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
