I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
