matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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