My liver just broke up with me...
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
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